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That’s when I got stuck. I got through the opening lines of I will survive, but ended-up singing “I ate apple crumble; I could have lay down and died.” This was complete rubbish and was all the more annoying because I should have known the words. I’d sung it in a Karaoke Bar before Christmas. I’d had too much to drink, but I didn’t do too badly, and it was a good evening until I got on stage for a second time. I chose The drugs don’t work without considering the effect it might have. I learnt quickly that it is more hari kiri than karaoke. When I finished, our group mumbled about the last coach back to Oxford, and one by one they left. I wanted to stay, but Danielle took me home.

The “apple crumble” line burrowed deeper and deeper in to my head like all good earworms. Perhaps a visit to the toilet would flush it out. I avoided turning-on any lights and positioned myself in front of the bowl. Peeing quietly is very difficult, especially in the dark. I slashed around until I found the waterline then raised my aim a fraction, sighed, and enjoyed the sensation of being in full flow.

“You think I’d crumble.” Of course, it was so obvious.

My pleasure came to an abrupt and uncontrolled stop when I heard the back-gate opening. I clenched every sphincter in my body and halted my piss with an almighty pressure-washer blast. Then, there was quiet except for a loud thumping. My heart had moved to my head, and each beat made my eardrums bulge. My diaphragm twitched in unison and I snatched breaths. I hadn’t been this scared since I was fifteen when Jayne Brightwell’s parents returned home unexpectedly.

I inhaled deeply to steady myself and then moved silently back to the bedroom. I approached the window. One step, two steps. My view of the garden increased. Three steps. There he was – dressed in black, medium height and strongly built. Shit.

He crossed the decking and stopped at the flowerbed – just like the cat – but this time it was me that had bowel-movements in mind. I switched on the camera and slid in to my chair. My eyes were fixed on him. Concentration and fear. He placed his steady left foot close to the fence.