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I couldn’t resist just one more kick as she lay helpless on the floor. Thwack. But, as usual, Marcia had the last laugh, and one of her lower branches stabbed me in the shin.

A bead of blood appeared and slithered down between the hairs of my leg to my foot. I stooped and collected it on the middle finger of my right hand. I looked at it then put it in my mouth. The metallic taste made a pleasant change from tea. I sucked and looked up at the terrace. Cat-woman peered down on me as I drank my own blood. I waved half-heartedly. She waved back. I smiled and nodded and she did the same. She then adjusted the blind and moved away. I hurried in to the kitchen.

“Yes, your Honour, I saw him dancing around the plastic tree and then drinking his own blood….this was after he had thrown excrement over my fence.”

“But, I was pretending it was my ex-girlfriend’s mother. And, cats are evil. And, a man came in to my garden last night. I’ve seen his footprints. I have!”

It’s probably better to get Sectioned in your own country. I was right not to have gone abroad.