pagerams      writers      advertisers      media      follow      contact

If you want to sit back and relax, you can have the whole of pageram read to you by the author.

Click here

You can always check out the rams later.

>>

<<

>>

<<

Now, I meant to say, “Does he sleep with you?” Unfortunately, the wine had got my tongue and it came out as “Do you sleep with him?”  My intonation made it sound even worse and Mitch shut up. As did everybody else in the room. They glared at me. I don’t know why. I’d done them a favour. The silence continued. Danielle spoke first.

“It’s been a lovely evening, Mitch,” (it hadn’t) “but it’s getting late.” (It wasn’t.)

Danielle apologised to Mitch and I said “sorry” and “Happy New Year” to Muffin. Do cats celebrate nine years on January 1st? For his sake I hoped so. I actually felt sorry for him.

During the journey home I received a lecture. Danielle’s hypothesis was that I was drunk. I couldn’t be bothered to argue and I didn’t have a great deal of evidence to counter it. For the next four days we didn’t talk a great deal, and then she left.

If she was seeking some kind of revenge, then her timing was perfect. I was all alone to contemplate the worst recession in history whilst Alexandra Burke murdered Hallelujah. Catching swine-flu was light relief.

I picked-up the poo-trowel and gingerly scooped-up the turd.  It wasn’t mine, I hadn’t ordered it from Amazon, and I certainly hadn’t bid for it on eBay. So, with a flick of the wrist, I sent it back over the fence. I listened for the dull thud then proudly held out my arm in front of me and dropped the moisture-streaked tool in to the soil, happy with a job well done. This feeling of satisfaction disappeared quickly. I was being watched.

I looked up at Cat-woman’s house and there she was – passing the window like a modern-day Mrs Danvers.  She glanced down on me then disappeared. Did she see me turd-tossing? Please, no.

When I was convinced that she would not reappear, I dragged my right foot across the lawn. It had little effect. The deep tread was full of shit - soft and black - it was the very worst type. I took off the shoe and threw it towards the dustbin. I did the same with the other.